My daughter and I leave tomorrow morning for a hockey trip to Duluth. The girls will be building friendships, learning about themselves as athletes and as teammates, and playing some good hockey. The parents will be partying.
I am willing to roll our kids from rink to rink, from town to town because I want them to experience the ups, the downs, the heartbreak, and the joy of competing in sports. I know it will build them.
I worry it is crushing me.
As a sports parent, I am continually tested at a greater degree than I ever was as an athlete. Every outing, every out-of-town trip, and with every athlete in our house, I feel it is my role to process and help kids process the drama that unfolds on the way to the rink, at the rink (where I am too aware of the secondary drama unfolding in the space around me in the stands), and then on the way home from the rink where I need to be a safe sounding board for our kids.
It is much more emotionally draining for me as the parent.
As an athlete, when I stepped onto a soccer field or a basketball court it was my refuge from the stifling drama of my life. Sometimes I think my mom wanted to protect us from said drama, and the safest place she could think to put us was on a team. I suppose it worked generally. It was only occasionally I noticed the frustrated body language of people on the periphery. Or sometimes, at a stoppage of play, I could hear yelling that never really seemed to concern me. That is, of course, unless the yelling was the frustrated and raging voice of my father. He was never raging at me, but that damned offsides rule in soccer, or every ridiculous foul called by a basketball ref, were enough to awake his inner demons. I heard him then.
It was always with my dad that the drama of my life collided with my sports’ world. I suppose I am more sensitive to my role as sports parent because of that. My dad and sports were an interesting combination. My dad and sports…and alcohol… were a catastrophic mix.
As a kid I needed to ignore the scary moments. I needed to pretend I didn’t see my dad’s hands shaking from withdrawal as he sketched out a basketball play for my team. I needed to brush off the way I felt when at a lunch stop on the way home from an out-of-town game he “disappeared” for twenty minutes and then when my teammates and I went to get in the car for the long trip home we found the remaining two bottles from the newly purchased six-pack. We held hands praying the entire way home. I had to continually remind myself it wasn’t my problem when my dad would be thrown out of games for yelling at refs. I had to quietly internalize the pain of his visit to my hospital bed after I was injured. That was the night I was literally pinned to the bed and forced to endure what felt like an hour of his alcohol-drenched breath.
As an adult, I want to be infinitely better than he was as an athlete-turned-sports’ parent, and I sometimes battle with all it is taking from me to do that.
I can’t enjoy the hotel drinking games. Unless I intimately know and trust the other parents with whom I travel, the entire weekend is an exercise in exhaustion. There are times I’ll drink with the team parents, but there have been other times I have holed myself up in my room, thankful I had a little one in tow for an excuse. I don’t have an excuse this weekend, and I fear I’m nearing a point where I don’t have the energy to drink socially either. Some teams are rostered with parents who have literally made drinking their new sport, and when it is a group I don’t know well, it is tiresome to find a comfortable place to hang.
Sometimes I wish there were a rule about the number of drinks a sports’ parent were allowed to consume.
In two weeks I am going on a three-day school trip with our middle daughter. At the chaperone meeting last night we were asked to sign a waiver promising we would not bring alcohol or drugs to the sleepover camp. “It is an educational trip with children present. It is, of course, our expectation there will be no alcohol consumed.”
Why are sports trips different? Are they not “educational trips with children present”?
Beer-filled coolers are as commonplace as player bags and sticks when traveling for an out-of-town trip. Drinking is as much a part of youth hockey as inconsistent reffing. I’m just not sure what all of that means for me, and what the best parenting decisions might be.
What do you think? Is it totally cool alcohol is as much a part of youth sports as it is? Should anything change about the culture of youth sports and drinking?
Learn more about Meagan and her current project, Choosing to Grow For the Sport of It: Because All Kids Matter, at her website http://www.meaganfrank.com
Copyright 2013 Meagan Frank Choosing to Grow
Categories: Parents, youth sports
Such a clear example of how our actions affect our kids. Thank you for sharing such honest memories. I, thankfully, remember laughing parents who had a lot of fun with their friends and the teams, but sober. Our young athletes have so much to offer in terms of laughter and heart…that’s too precious for me personally to sacrifice for partying. I don’t judge others for what they choose to do, I still love our parent friendships, but I love time with all the kids even more and showing them that alcohol isn’t necessary to have a really great time. We each get to choose what we do while our kids are watching. We were watching back then and our kids are watching now. When my daughter told me on a Sunday morning in Duluth, and had her two siblings nodding heads in agreement, that she was really glad we weren’t drunk the night before, I knew our choices were the best ones for our kids. And that is what matters most to me right now.
That’s why I LOVE it when you are on trips with me. I will forgive you for having to stay behind this weekend, but I will miss you. I believe wholly in the convictions of my decisions as a parent, and like you, I am not in the business of judging the choices others make. It is for our kids and my relationship with them, I make the choices I do. My heart just breaks a little when I see unnecessary sadness in the confused faces of kids who watch everything we adults do. The kids deserve the best version of ourselves and all I can do is work to offer that as often as I can. Thanks for being a source of inspiration for me!